My preference for my clients is to see them employ divorce mediation for resolution of the matters being contested in their divorce. However, since you need two willing partners to have a proper mediation process, it is often the case that the mediation cannot take place. It is likely that divorce is often the result of a breakdown in communication between the spouses. It is not surprising therefore that if one person desires mediation, their partner will oppose it. My work as a coach is therefore aimed at the partner who was spurned in their attempt to mediate their dispute.

My work as a Divorce Coach can be done in person, preferably, or over the phone. I have 5 objectives in my Divorce Coaching. These objectives are universal in their application and can apply to all divorcing parties. They are outlined as follows:

1. A person getting coaching needs constant reminder that litigation is costly and traumatic. They need support in attempting to resolve their issues in the least hostile manner possible. They may need to discuss this with their Coach. They certainly need to be reminded to ascertain that their attorney subscribes to such a philosophy and is working accordingly.

2. Few people who are not attorneys will know how to evaluate the work of their attorney. A Coach can assist in helping the party decide what type of legal service they need and desire. In addition, the Coach can help the client determine if the professional service rendered by their attorney is effective, given their needs and goals.

3. A Coach will often know of services available to those going through divorce that are related to psychological well-being, economic well-being, and the well-being of the children (who are often most impacted by the divorce). Discussions on this topic can be of great value to the client and are to be encouraged.

4. A Coach can be available to a client for quick calls and for quick “pep talks”. This is not always possible with one’s therapist or counselor. The Coach should have expertise in the divorce process, something other professionals may not possess.

5. The Coach is available after the divorce process, as well. At the time the attorney bows out, post-divorce, lingering issues may still confront the client. A Coach can be very helpful in this regard.

A good Divorce Coach can be part legal advisor, part therapist, and part trusted friend. The exact relationship needs to be determined in each professional undertaking. The rewards of successful Coaching can greatly aid the client is preparing for the “rest of their life.” Divorce Coaching is worth your consideration if you are facing divorce. Make your choice wisely.

The answer for this question, I believe, is found in a Mishna in Pirke Avot. We read of different studetns, one of whom is the student who learns with difficulty and is quick to forget. Why rub it in? Why is this student mentioned in the Mishna? The answer is that he too is a student, and he too deserves to be taught. We are not all scholars but we all deserve the opportunity to learn at our own pace.

Here too in the Haggadah, we read of different types of sons. If one appears to be wicked, he is nevertheless our son. We cannot abandon him. We owe him every effort in our role as parents.

There is a story about the Baal Shem Tov who was approached by a parent with a concern. “My child is no longer interested in Judaism. What should I do?” was the query. To this, the Baal Shem Tov asked: “How did you feel about him before this turn of events?” The answer was predictable: “Of course I loved him”. The response by the Baal Shem Tov then came like a lightening bolt :”Well he now needs your love even more.”

We are blessed with different sons and daughters. Our job in life is to cherish them, even when they are far from the ideal. This is one of the lessons of the Seder night; one we should not forget.

Mediation, Marriage, Divorce, Agunah
By Martin Rosenfeld
Posted December 1, 2008 – 11:31am

Rabbi Rosenfeld served for many years as a pulpit rabbi. He currently maintains a
practice in Divorce Mediation, and operates a website glattyashar.com that gives pro bono
service to those seeking a Get. This article appears in Issue 2 of Conversations, the
journal of the Institute for Jewish Ideas and Ideals.

The late Rabbi Harry Wohlberg taught Midrash at Yeshiva University to generations of
Semikha students. He asked his students on one occasion to explain why the Talmud states
that the Mizbeah (altar of the Temple) itself cries for a couple going through a divorce
proceeding. Why was this metaphor of a “crying altar” used? Rabbi Wohlberg
explained that the altar was the scene of bloody activity on a daily basis, it had become
de-sensitized to blood and gore; yet it could not tolerate the scene of a couple seeking
to end their marital relationship.

Divorce takes its toll on many individuals, in a ripple effect. It is no wonder that
divorce is frequently listed among the five biggest traumas in the adult experience.
Unfortunately, its negative impact affects multiple generations, with children often the
greatest victims of all.

It is estimated that more than half of the marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce. I
have not seen comparable statistics for Jewish marriages but we know that the rate of
divorce is growing significantly. In my post-rabbinic career, I have chosen to work in
the field of divorce as a Divorce Mediator. I find this work to be both satisfying and
greatly needed. I can think of no situation, with the possible exception of custody
disputes, where mediation is not far more beneficial and therapeutic that that which can
be found in the traditional adversarial system of battling attorneys.

Mediation, unlike litigation, fully involves the couple in an open discussion and
negotiation concerning the conditions of the divorce settlement. This discussion is
facilitated by a mediator who serves as a neutral party, assisting the couple in reaching
an agreement. Mediation is an optimistic profession in that believes that adults, even
when they possess variant interest and needs, can reach an accord that will be fair and
balanced. Mediation utilizes skills that the couple will need to use even after the
divorce if they share children. Mediation allows the couple to close the door on their
marriage, but not slam it. It is an example of what constructive communication can yield.

There is a Hassidic insight that defines Pessah as the combination of two words: Peh Sah.
“The mouth speaks”. We show our most basic humanity when we become free enough
to state opinions, wants and needs. Through the medium of speech we can define problems
and we can then begin to seek solutions. The ability of a couple, even in the midst of
divorce, to seek solutions rather than blame, lies at the heart of mediation. More
importantly, mediation trains the couple in the power of working collaboratively toward a
shard goal. The need for such positive and focused conversation can serve us on the
communal level as well.

A question that occurs to me often is: why does our society expect a couple to marry as
Benei Torah and yet allow them (frequently) to divorce as battle-hardened mercenaries?
Judaic values are often observed only in their breach when many couples negotiate their
divorce settlement. This situation is aggravated exponentially when the rancor becomes so
great that the Get (religious divorce) becomes a bargaining chip. It is, at times, to our
chagrin, withheld (or not accepted) by a recalcitrant spouse. I would like to propose in
an outline form some suggestions that deal with Jewish divorce and the painful status of
the Agunah. (Additional thoughts may be found at my website, www.glattyashar.com). Many
of these thoughts derive from the model of mediation where finger-pointing is rejected in
favor of constructive searches for solutions and frank discussion. However, one caveat is
in order. In order to discuss Jewish divorce, we first need to discuss Jewish marriage.
In like manner, in order to discuss Agunah concerns, we must communally first address
Jewish marriage as it currently exists.

Social critics have often commented on how society tests for driving competence before it
issues a motor vehicle license, but does not do so before it issues a marriage license.
How do we prepare our future generation for married life in a society which accepts
“disposable” relationships as a cardinal principle of romantic faith? I believe
we need to apply our education paradigms toward martial preparation and counseling. Many
communities have begun projects, often called “Hupah Project” “Shalom
Project” etc. In some communities, such programs involve an interface between Jewish
Family Services and the rabbinic community. The purpose of these programs is to offer
sessions with the newly-engaged couples in order to teach communication skills, introduce
halakhic norms, and offer guidance on issues that will need to be negotiated in marital
life. For many couples, this will represent their first opportunity to meet community
professionals in the religious sphere as well as the mental health arena. The group
setting offers the couple a chance to listen and also a chance to dialogue. They are
introduced to potential challenges and also strategies for a successful resolution of the
same. The couple learns to listen, to talk, and to problem-solve; these are qualities
that serve us all well in our daily exchanges.

I have seen in recent years a dramatic growth of mental health professionals who are
well-versed in both Jewish law and social theory and practice. It is no longer unusual to
see a young man/woman go through many years of Yeshiva education and then choose to serve
her/his community by electing to become a mental health practitioner. The rabbinate and
the mental health professionals need to work hand-in-hand and cross-refer when
appropriate in this area. It would be a worthy project to have a national roster of such
professionals whose expertise in the areas of marital life and Shalom Bayit make them a
natural resource for married couples. I know of no organization that is limited to those
who specialize in issues affecting married life but I think the need for such a group is
self-evident.

The role of Rashei Yeshiva has been discussed and debated in multiple journal entries. I
will only offer the observation that the influence of these leaders among our religious
young adults is great. I do believe that their role in stressing the need to learn proper
communication skills would be most valuable. These rabbinic leaders should encourage
students to seek professional intervention when this is called for. Their lectures should
stress the need for positive communication and the need to seek solutions in a spirit of
collaboration. Finally, these leaders, and others, when confronting the reality of the
dissolution of a marriage, should encourage the positive method of mediation rather than
the divisive alternative of lengthy confrontation and litigation. (As an aside, mediated
divorces have been projected as representing 20% of the cost of a litigated divorce. The
money saving is, however, far from being the real benefit of such an approach.). We need,
in short, to teach the skills for a positive home life, reinforce them, give hizzuk where
needed and set a tone for an integration of Jewish values coupled with insights from
contemporary social thought. We also need to remember the advice that “Values are
not taught, they are caught”.

Preparation for married life needs to be a prime focus of our educational and communal
curricula. We must ask how are we to train our students for the life skills they will
need for successful married life. Yemei Iyun on such topics as communication skills,
pre-nuptial agreements, Jewish sexuality need to be more widespread. More importantly, we
need to ask what objectives we seek, and how to we plan to get there. It might be
appropriate to recall the thought that “If you don’t know where you are going, all
roads will take you there”. I daresay that we know where we are going. My question
is directed at the query as to whether we know how to get there.

There is a story about a young child who saw some starfish awash on the seashore. She
took them one at a time and hurled them back into the sea. She was asked: “There are
so many starfish here, do you think you can possibly help them all?” She answered:
“I don’t know, but I just made a difference in the life of the one I sent back to
the ocean”. I do not have a solution which will remedy the “Agunah
problem”. I do believe however, that like the girl in the story, we need to focus
attention on the micro as much as the macro, i.e. why do we have an Agunah problem, and
can we make a difference?”

A few years ago, attorney Joseph Rackman, wrote an article about a registry that would
contain the names of recalcitrant spouses. Their respective communities would put the
appropriate pressure on such individuals to bring about the desired effect of effecting
the granting of Gittin. I met with attorney Rackman to discuss his proposal and made a
suggestion. Should we not first meet with each spouse who was acting in such a defiant
fashion and explore what was sparking the unacceptable behavior? It is easy to accuse all
recalcitrant spouses of being “money-hungry” and manipulative. However, this
may not have been the original trigger. There may have been a call for “someone to
listen” that was never heeded. There may have been a negative experience with a Beth
Din. There may have been pre-existing threats from the opposing spouse. Idle legal
threats may have caused a violent reaction. We will never know unless we try to reach out
and communicate. Our system is not fool-proof and neither are our appointed
representatives. In our zeal to help one spouse (as sacred as that work is) we dare not
demonize the other without first trying to hear from them. Communal pressure ultimately
is quite important. But let us not forget the need to first enter into conversation with
those who flaunt our halakhic and ethical norms.

One of the organizations working with this issue, ORA, has offered couples pro bono
mediation when there is a hope that communication can be productive. Even if we fail in
our attempts to reach out to these individuals, we will gain a wealth of insight into how
our community structure has “broken down” and why we have failed to impress
some community members with the thought that “Her ways are ways of peace”.

We have much to gain by offering mediation assistance to couples who are unable to find
the proper manner to dissolve their marriage and its attendant issues. I do not believe
we have made the institution of marriage a communal priority in terms of education ,
outreach and financial support. To cite one example, the Catholic groups have family
institutions, seminars, lecture bureaus, etc. Prominent Church leaders head such efforts
and have even become national figures. What have we done in our community to try to
emulate such work? (On a personal note, I have communicated with 5 major Jewish
organizations, in order to volunteer to try to initiate some of the proposals outlined
herein. Only 1 of the 5 actually responded.) Marital life is probably the most vital
Jewish institution to ensure continuity of our value system. What have we invested in
such an undertaking? Where are our communal structures?

If we felt the pressing need, we could convene a meeting on Agunah and divorce. Papers
could be presented, issues debated, and dialogue begun. With every year that we fail to
do something of this nature, we miss an opportunity that is desperately needed. Indeed
our national conferences always have the occasional session on issues of Jewish marriage.
But don’t we need and deserve more? We have organizations for Agunah. Do we have similar
organizations that deal with Jewish marriage, Jewish divorce, and the halakhic norms that
surround them?

To the above, I would add the need for blogs so that community members with specific
needs have a place to go for direction and inspiration. I maintain such a website for
those who seek a Get but do not know where to turn. A great Kiruv opportunity exists if
we make the effort to explain to the non-Orthodox what a Get entails, help them find a
proper Beth Din, and organize volunteers to help them through their Get process. We shout
about the tragedy of Agunah and yet we allow the non-Orthodox to be unaware of the Get
process, thus dooming future generations to our community’s ultimate rejection; i.e.
mamzerut. Surely there is more work that can engage us in this area.

To succed as Torah Jews, the Brisker Rav stated, we need to be business-like. We need to
have a mission statement, objectives, and resources, in addition to moral commitment.
This is the regimen we would undertake for our business and this must be our charge as
Torah leaders. There is work to be done in the area of Ishut, and all that the term
entails. We all have ideas and strategies. Perhaps the time for “Peh Sah” has
arrived. We need to dialogue, talk, and listen. We need to work collaboratively. If we
apply such an approach, the challenges presented in the areas of Jewish Marriage, Jewish
Divorce, and Agunah, we will be worthy of Bilaam’s coerced admission: “How goodly
are your tents Jacob”. I can think of no greater praise, or goal, than that.

The Tabernacle was the forerunner of the Temple in Jerusalem. It was a sign of the closeness between G-d and His people. The spokesperson for the Tabernacle was clearly Moses. He had to give its accounting, make its appeal, charge its supervisors, etc. When something is so bound up with the personality of one person, a fear becomes prevalent. What will happen to the Tabernacle after Moses dies? Can the Tabernacle retain its sacred quality after Moses departs the scene? In order to re-assure the Jewish people, the Torah omits the name of Moses during this week’s reading. The message seems to be that no one is indispensible. The Jewish people, and its institutions, are greater than any one person.

Parents are essential in the growth of children. However, at some point, the wise parent knows it is time to let go. A child needs to be prepared to think for themselves, act on their own, etc. The effective parent knows when to step aside and when to allow the child to become independent and self-assured. Moses knew that the sacred quality of the Tabernacle would continue after he was gone. So too with parents and children.

As parents we need to teach our children the ethics and morality of Judaism. We take our precious legacy, pass it on to our children and then we “let go”. This is how Jewish existence will be guaranteed and kept ever vibrant. We are all links in the chain that is Judaism; no more and no less.

Rabbi Reuven Margolis views this all in a symbolic fashion. The Ark symbolizes ethical perfection. It is important to achieve ethical perfection. However, the Cherub image of children “tops” all else. We have the ultimate task of teaching Jewish values and ethical teachings to our children, as they represent the future. In a similar vein, the great teacher, Rabbi Meir Shapiro once stated that the Cherubs must be made of gold, not silver or other metals. When we act for our children, we must do so with a “golden” approach.

I once saw a quote that “Children are G-d’s promise of the future. ” A rabbi who was known as being very much at ease with children was the late Rabbi Yaakov Kaminetzky. His smile and warmth when he interfaced with children was legendary. Rabbi Kaminetzky was once asked why he had this affinity for children. His answer was simple: “They are generations closer to the Messiah than I am.”

We take much for granted. We read about angels and wonder what type of holiness they possess. What we fail to appreciate is that the great holiness demanded by the Torah is the holiness of which we are capable.

The most precious gift we all possess is family affiliation. It is likely that more people have been “turned on” to Judaism by sitting at a family Shabbat dinner, than through any other means. The beauty and holiness of family, when combined with the beauty and holiness of the Sabbath, is overwhelming. We all have this gift, but do we appreciate it? G-d has ample angels but He longs for more holy people.  This is where we all fit into the Divine picture. G-d is waiting for you; do not disappoint Him.

Man learns how to behave by imitating the behavior of others. We learn how to give and how to love because we all experienced these feelings as young, helpless children. We learn how to be “givers” in life by the example set by our parents. In this respect, as sustainers of life, our parents are deemed to be a partner of God.

One of the prominent teachers of Jewish Ethics was Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler. In an essay, Rabbi Dessler speaks of “givers”. He states that we labor under a false impression if we believe that parents give so much to their children because they love them. Rather, Rabbi Dessler teaches, parents give so much to their children, they therefore grow to love them. The act of giving is the act of loving. For this reason, the Torah places such a premium on the respect we owe our parents.

An answer offered by Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik is that Miriam gets her “due” at the time of the Exodus due to a past deed she had performed. Miriam stood by the basket of Moses when he was placed in the Nile. She guarded the life of Baby Moses. When Moses reaches his pinnacle of success, Miriam is given mention due to the value of HaKarat HaTov–the need to be grateful. The Torah “thanks” Miriam for her selfless act at this time in order to show how she facilitated the Exodus story. She too is therefore mentioned at the time of Redemption from Egypt.

The Sefer HaChinuch tells us that respect for parents, a paramount obligation, is based on the human obligation to express gratitude. Our families may not be perfect but we must take the time to be thankful for what they have done and will continue to do. It is true for parents, siblings and children. Being grateful is a basic Jewish value; have you told a loved one ‘thank you” of late? It is always a good time to do so.

What message might we take away from the Passover sacrifice? The Torah tells us that this Passover meal had to take place in a group setting. In effect, the Passover meal was the first mandated family meal. Years ago, the Jewish sociologist Marshall Sklare analyzed why the Passover Seder today is the most widely-practiced Jewish ritual. He conjectures that part of the reason is that the meal is festive, it it is fun, and it takes place in a family circle. It is instructive that so basic a holiday ritual is celebrated in the family setting. The Torah seems to be telling us of the importance of the family structure in Jewish tradition.

Years ago I heard a lecture by Rabbi Zalman Posner of Nashville, TN. Rabbi Posner asked the question as to what part of Jewish life was absolutely essential for Jewish  continuity. He suggested that Jewish life needed neither synagogue life nor Temple nor rabbinic leadership to survive. What it did need was an active and engaged family structure.

Home, according to the poet, is the place where “when you go there, they have to take you in.” This week’s Parsha reminds us that the family is the center of our tradition’s vitality. May we never forget this truism.